The Second Voyagers
by fionalafleur104
Summary: The crew of the Roci head back into the Ring. Alex offers Amos comfort while he digs deeper into the question, "What happened to you?" Alex/Amos pairing.


Author's Note: Favorable feedback and constructive criticism always appreciated. Like many I write to process my own sexual trauma. Please be respectful.

WARNINGS: Mature content, same-sex pairing. Rated M for a reason.

* * *

Chapter 1 — The Ones You Need To Protect

* * *

Alex sat perched in his chair, animatedly running the final checks on the Rocinante's systems before it reached Mars. His fingers ghosted over the display, darting here and there before each report came up. So far so good. The tell-tale clicking of mag boots coming up the stairs told him the captain was coming. "Hoss," he said, "Green across the board."

"What is Mars rendezvous ETA?" Holden asked, one hand resting on the display, one on his hip.

"Seventeen hours, fourteen minutes, and twenty seconds on my mark. . ." he said, consulting the timer on his handheld. "Mark."

"That was… unnecessarily specific," Holden remarked wryly.

"Well I like to be precise," he drawled.

"Rally the troops," the captain said. "Mess hall in ten."

"More like wake up the troops," Alex said under his breath, earning him a repressed smile before the captain clapped his hand on his shoulder, and made his way back downstairs.

He hit the comm's PA button, "Ladies and gentlemen this is your pilot speaking," he purred smoothly, "The captain has turned off the fasten seatbelt sign in anticipation of a straight, smooth trip to Mars. Flying time of seventeen hours, thirteen minutes, and forty…. _two_ seconds into port. Do kindly make your way to the galley for refreshments and, as always, thank you for flying _Rocinante _Air." He pushed the PA button off.

While he was double checking the coordinate lock of the auto-pilot, a personal message popped up on the screen for him. He saw the sender: Talissa Sandhu. His stomach dropped.

Their divorce had been quick. Record-breakingly so in fact. From the Notary Public to the judge's desk to his inbox in two weeks flat. The _Razorback _would have been hard pressed to match such speeds.

He braced himself as he hit the play button, but all that showed up was a split second of static.

He checked the message to see if anything else had been sent with it, but it was empty save for the unhelpful origin markings, which put her at their, now her, home in Breach Candy. He shrugged, and triple checked his auto-pilot before making his way downstairs.

Alex pulled the pan of lasagna out of the microwave, and started to set the table for five people.

"I was told there would be refreshments?" Anna always managed to sound sweet and slightly bewildered, but Alex had learned she was only one of those things, and only when she wanted to be (which was most of the time).

Alex waved his hand over the table, "Straight from the Mariner Valley, it's…"

"…a Kamal family recipe," Holden and Naomi finished for him in unison, emphasizing each word as they walked in together. Their voices sounded less than enthused, but the smiles on their faces reached their eyes, so it hurt less.

Alex secretly believed this was everyone's favorite meal.

"Lasagna?" Anna said with a smile.

"Not just _any_ lasagna, mind you. All-_edges_ lasagna!" He explained proudly, and pulled Anna's chair out for her.

Alex secretly believed this would soon be Anna's favorite meal.

Amos wandered in last, covered in grease and toting some sort of wrench that was larger than his arm. What did he even _do _with that thing? He looked at Alex and set his wrench down on the table, "Did I miss it?"

Alex secretly believed Amos would eat anything but clearly this was his favorite meal, too.

"Hey! No tools on the table. We have company," Holden said is mock exasperation, helpfully gesticulating in Anna's.

"So I'm company again, am I?" Anna laughed. It had been something of a joke ever since Holden had invited Anna to stay aboard the _Roci_ for its foray back into the Ring. Whenever someone had a hole in them that needed sewing shut, she was crew. Otherwise she was company, and people were expected to behave—kind of. In reality it had been a convenient way for the wayward shipmates' captain to keep some semblance of order.

"Only until these dishes need to be done," Amos said, and she smiled fondly at him.

"Shall we say grace?" Anna asked, as everyone settled in around the table and reached out to hold their neighbors' hand. They waited politely while she said something about food and fortune that Alex largely tuned out. On this boat full of Earther-Duster-Belters and their varying beliefs, nobody had objected to her ministrations, but no one seemed overly participative in them either.

"Let's eat!" Alex said enthusiastically once she'd finished, and helped delve out portions.

Once the meal was done and Holden was regaling them all with a tale of his childhood exploits on Earth, Anna started collecting everyone's dishes. Amos jumped up and started helping her, "I was only kidding about the dishes," he said.

"It's the least I can do," she said and turned to him. "Thank you, Alex. It was a wonderful meal."

"My pleasure," Alex said, as Amos and Anna continued to put the dishes in the fresher.

Once they were all back sitting around the table, conversations died down, and they looked expectantly at their captain. "What's the game plan boss?" Amos said.

"The Second Voyagers all have accommodations in the UN enclave. They reserved a five room suite for us. Pack your stuff for an extended stay. More people are arriving and the crew prep is expected to last at least a few weeks. We'll be parked with the MCRN fleet until we can get resupplied and any maintenance she may need. Naomi will be supervising that. Does anyone have other things they want to do while we're here?"

Anna raised her hand.

"You don't have to raise your hand."

"My ministry has a church here. I'd like to at least make it to Sunday worship and if possible pay a visit to the pastor."

"Copy. And Alex I'm assuming you'll want to check in with your family? Friends?"

"Family? Oh, uh… sure. Friends… maybe," Alex replied. He'd left Mars to work on the _Cant_ for a reason, and left those people behind. But now that he thought about it, checking in with his former comrades that were going on the mission would probably be a good idea. And he'd like to see Bobbie again.

"Well good luck with that," Holden said. "Amos?"

"Bar."

Holden nodded. "I'll pick up the schedules when we land. We're early enough you should have a day to get quick visits out of the way, just let me know where you'll be. After that don't stray too far without checking in first—just in case," Holden said matter-of-factly and everyone except Anna shifted in their seats with mild discomfort.

The crew was a bit uneasy about flying the ship they had _perfectly legitimately_ salvaged back into MCRN headquarters. After the first trip to the ring and that disastrous documentary attempt, MCRN had decided not to fight to get the _Tachi_ back, but instead sent them a bill for it.

A rather sizeable bill.

This rag tag crew of nobodies could not hope to pay it off with their combined life savings multiplied tenfold, but Mars had been kind enough to offer to forgive the debt if they accompanied the Second Voyages to the Ring.

Mars wasn't stupid. They knew Holden and his crew had saved the entire first voyage, and likely just wanted an excuse to make them come anyway.

Despite the paperwork and Mars' assurances, the entire crew was wary of the possibility MCRN might decide to take back their workhorse after all.

So, technically they were mercenaries flying with the Martian Navy. A younger, more sanctimonious version of himself had hated mercenaries when he had to work with them during his time in the service. Loud, undisciplined, slobbering fellows who fought _for money_.

The irony was not lost on him.

"Say boss I got a wave from my w- …_ex_-wife just a few hours ago. There was nothing on it. Just a blip. Probably nothing, but alright if I head right there when we land?" Alex said while looking at his handheld, uselessly trying to play the message in some discernable format.

"Sure. Take Amos just in case."

"Boss?" Alex said inquisitively; his captain's heightened caution was slightly unexpected.

"Just don't want to take any chances until we get the lay of the land," Holden explained.

Alex shrugged and looked at Amos who nodded in acknowledgement.

The crew went their separate ways to pack and sleep, but Alex hug back to help Anna finish cleaning up.

"So, what'd you think?" Alex asked nervously.

"Best lasagna this side of the Mason-Dixon," Anna said, drying a plate.

"I knew you'd like it," Alex said triumphantly. He grabbed a dry cloth and helped with the drying of the dishes.

"I saw you got a message from Talissa," Anna said. "Bad news?"

"You're observant," Alex said.

Anna gave him a wry smile, "I just happened to be watching the message channel."

"Ahhh. And how are things with the Misses? She still pissed?"

"Pissed… is an under-statement," Anna said, pausing in her dish-related ministrations, her eyes downcast. "I don't think our marriage will survive this."

"Wow. Didn't see that coming."

"I did… And I left anyway," she said matter-of-factly.

"Hey you're not going to get any judgement from me. I did the same exact thing," Alex said, putting the last fork away. "And I live with the consequences. Every day. But, hey, once you catch that wanderlust… it's not easy to shake. You and I are just peas in a pod."

"That seems like a pitiful excuse to ruin a marriage."

"Hey now, partner."

"I… I didn't mean you," she said.

Alex laughed, "I know. It's okay. Besides, we needed a medic, and you needed a ride. Match made in heaven."

"Yeah," Anna nodded. "Thanks for the ride," she said thoughtfully.

* * *

When they arrived at MCRN, they had no problem getting authorization to land. Alex glided her in smoothly, and landed with only the slightest _bump. _He wanted his first landing back at MCRN to be impressive. It hadn't helped that Holden was on the deck pacing back and forth and biting his nails.

The moment they landed, Holden raced down the ladder. Alex secured the _Roci _and then followed him at a more reasonable pace, though his stomach was churning with nerves, same as the Captain.

Amos and Naomi had already been there waiting.

Amos looked calm, but Alex saw his hand clenched tight as if ready to go for his weapon at any moment. Always ready for battle.

Naomi and Alex exchanged glances nervously, waiting for the pressure to equalize. Alex felt the customary tickling in his ears where the air escaped. For some reason he enjoyed that feeling, and the familiarity of it helped to calm his nerves.

"Anna?" He said looking around.

"She agreed to stay with the ship while I check in with 2V-Command—just in case," Holden answered.

Alex nodded. Just in case. The theme of this excursion.

Holden hit the button to open the door. They breathed a collective sigh of relief when no armed guards to escort them to prison were in sight. Just the customary sound of coming and going, perhaps slightly heightened since most people there were getting ready to ship out. Nobody paid them any attention, which was exactly what Alex was hoping for. A likely sign that they and their ship were safe from seizure.

"Meet back here in four hours," Holden said. That gave Alex plenty of time to check in with his family, and maybe he'd even have time to find Amos a nice bar to drown his sorrows in.

What exactly those sorrows were, Alex was still in the dark. He had tried and failed to get Amos to open up to him about whatever was haunting him, ever since he'd asked him what happened to him, but Amos was variably cooperative.

Amos' hand unclenched slightly, and he looked back at Alex and nodded.

Naomi went to check in with a CAT-crew member about getting everything they would need for the voyage. Alex watched Holden approach a dock worker and heard him ask for directions to 2V-Command. Alex then promptly walked into the back of Amos, who had stopped unexpectedly.

Amos turned around, unphased and completely unmoved by the collision. "Where to?"

Alex took a step back. Of course Amos wouldn't know where his family lived. He'd only been to Mars a few times and never had occasion to see Alex's family. "Oh right, uh…" Alex didn't finish, he just took the lead and Amos caught up to walk beside him.

"So how did you guys end it? Is she still talking to you?" Amos asked.

Alex was unsure if he was just making polite conversation or was genuinely interested in his well-being. "Kind of, I mean we talked during the divorce. Well… through our lawyers."

Amos looked at him doubtfully.

"I-I've got several messages from Meles, and…" He trailed off.

"So that's a no."

Alex nodded begrudgingly. "That's a no."

"Tough break, man."

"No less than I deserve."

Amos shook his head. "Hey, some of us are just meant to sail the stars. Nothing wrong with it. You'd have been miserable if you stayed here. And that would have made them miserable."

Alex took a deep breath. "Yeah you're probably right."

They reached the tram entrance and waited in silence for a car to arrive. They found seats next to each other on the crowded tram. The size of the seats mandated that they were squished together, their shoulders and thighs touching. It sent a chill up his back.

Alex marveled at the feeling. They'd never been this close, unless you count the time Amos almost killed him. In truth, Alex had begun to form an emotional attachment to his shipmate and, dare he say it, friend. He cherished every small bit of information he'd eked out about Amos' past. They were both normally very solitary creatures, but Amos had come to visit him on the flight deck to talk. Shop, usually, but occasionally they'd talk about other things. The frequency of the visits increased, and eventually Alex grew accustomed to his presence. It was comforting.

In turn, Alex went into the bowels of the ship more often to seek Amos out. He pretended to be interested in the inner-workings of the ship. He'd known the basics, but Amos had a wealth of knowledge he marveled at as he patiently explained what every widget and doo-dad was, what it did, how to troubleshoot and fix it. He'd actually learned a lot despite himself. They were perfectly comfortable talking for hours, or working in silence, or existing in silence.

Alex had grown accustomed to being with Amos. Just never this close. He could feel the heat radiating from the man, who was subtlety scanning the car, prepared to take action if he detected a threat.

_"__Hyper-vigilance is a sign of Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder," _Anna had explained to him once, when he sought her council on how to crack the formidable barrier Amos put between himself and his past… and his past and everyone else.

No one else in the car would have realized what he was doing, but Alex did. _Amos… what happened to you? _Alex thought desperately, remembering the pain and twinkle of tears barely forming in his eyes every time Amos went to _that place _in his mind. Sometimes he wanted to slap him and demand he talk. Sometimes he wanted to hold him and tell him everything would be okay.

He had done neither.

"Next stop, Breach Candy District," a woman's voice said over the announcement system.

"This is us."

They both got up, waiting at the door. Alex already missed the warmth. He was unsure of what that meant. Somewhere deep down he knew, but he was lingering in denial.

As the door opened, Alex pointed to the left and followed Amos out. "What about you?" he asked. "Any luck finding Lydia?"

"Yes. I have a son," Amos said matter-of-factly.

Alex stopped in his tracks. "What?!" he finally managed to stammer out. Amos stopped and turned around when he noticed Alex was no longer walking with him. "What?" he repeated dumbly. "And that… when did… are you…" Alex sputtered, unsure what to say. He finally settled on, "and how do you feel about that?"

Amos' expression changed. Most wouldn't know it, but Alex had come to recognize when Amos went to that different place in his head. He looked anxious, and scared, and lost. "I don't feel anything."

Alex gave him a disbelieving look.

"…but I know I should," he said in the same breath. He looked down then, and after a long silence hesitantly added, "Will you help me?"

Alex looked at him in astonishment mixed with awe mixed with—he didn't even know—relief maybe? "Yes," he said, like it should never even have been a question of if. "Amos," he said, but Amos kept his eyes downcast. "Look at me," he said, walking closer and putting his hands on his friend's shoulders. "_Look at me_," he repeated, more sternly this time, and put his hands on the side of Amos' face.

Amos slowly raised his gaze, looking left and right uncertainly until piercing blue eyes settled on him.

"_Whatever_ happened to you," Alex said, still feeling stunned at the news, sad for his friend's pain, and surprisingly relieved to hear Amos ask for help. "_Whatever_ happened to you," he repeated, "I am here for you." Alex let the silence draw out, allowing himself to feel the sorrow in those eyes, and he felt his hands tingling with energy. "Okay?"

Amos' nod was nearly imperceptible, but Alex nodded back. He resisted the urge to pull him into a hug, not sure how that would be received.

They continued walking, but Amos kept a much slower pace this time.

"Is-is Lydia the mother?" Alex asked. In the tediously slow process of gleaning information from Amos over the last year, Alex learned that Lydia had sort of raised Amos, or at least was a mother figure to him. Other details about his life seemed to indicate she was eventually more than that to him, though Amos would not talk about it, either from pain or shame or both.

"Yes."

Alex nodded. "Okay… well that's okay," continuing to nod and hoping he looked supportive.

"Thank you."

He didn't quite know what to say to that. "Well, uh, so… what's his name?"

"Jonah."

"Jonah—that's a good name."

"I thought so, too," Amos said, no longer the vigilant warrior, but seemingly lost in his mind like a frightened child, his eyes wide.

Alex was still getting over his shock. "How old is he?"

"Twenty three."

Alex's eyebrows shot up, and he looked to the side so Amos didn't see him. Amos would have left for school when he won the lottery at 16. He had thought maybe he's returned to see her at some point after that, but it seemed his suspicions were correct. He and Lydia were in an illicit relationship. But he also knew Amos' past was complicated, and didn't think now was the time to get into it. If Amos thought he was chastising him, he didn't think he'd get another chance to help him through whatever was haunting him.

"Twenty three—that's a good age," he said stupidly.

"I thought so, too."

Alex was still reeling from the news inside, but knew he had to at least make an attempt at normal conversation or his companion would grow uncomfortable and shut down, possibly forever. "So, are you gonna try and see him?"

"I—" Amos said hesitantly, then fell silent.

Alex put a hand on his shoulder and guided him over to a bench. They sat down and Amos stared at the floor, knees on his thighs and hands nervously churning in front of him. After some silence, Alex gently asked, "What is it?" It might have been funny, that he had to be so careful with a man that could easily snap his neck, but what he felt was more complicated than that.

"I kind of have to, don't I?" Amos said, looking up at him.

"Why do you say that?"

"Well my dad… abandoned me. And now…"

"Amos you don't have to do anything you don't want to do," Alex said. "And if you go back there for the wrong reasons—"

Amos interrupted him abruptly. "He didn't grow up like I did," Amos said hurriedly like he was desperately trying to convince him. "He didn't."

Alex could see the desperate need for approval in his eyes, but couldn't fathom it. "Okay, I know. That's good."

"Yeah. He escaped that life. Lydia made sure of it," Amos said, then went back to fidgeting. "And he, uh… he's not on Earth."

"Oh?"

"Yeah he actually joined the UNN… spaceship engineer, like Naomi," he said.

Alex could hear the faintest hint of pride in his voice, and it lightened his heart. "All mechanical and such like his Pa," he said, but immediately regretted it, as his companion's face turned crestfallen.

"Yeah I guess."

Alex sensed there was more but waited patiently this time.

"He's… on the _Benjamin Banneker_."

"Oh," Alex said, surprised. The _Banneker_ was the UNN flagship of the Second Voyagers fleet. "Oh I see." Alex paused. "Well, do you want to see him?"

"I don't know," Amos said, "Well, yes, but… I don't want him to see me… like this."

"Like what?"

"Like…" he gesticulated at himself vaguely, "broken."

"Amos…" _you are not broken._ But he only finished the sentence in his head. "We'll figure it out. I promise you. I'll read all the books on head shrinking and I'll get Anna to help," Amos looked at him doubtfully, "She's a nurse, and a minister. She knows her stuff. And she's very discreet."

Amos nodded. "Okay. We should get going."

"Yeah I just can't wait to see my family," Alex said. Amos looked at him, and they both laughed, getting up to leave. Inside his stomach was churching, he was getting clammy, and he wanted to vomit. Evidently seeing his wife… _ex_-wife, was worse than the prospect of being arrested and robbed of the _Roci_.

For Amos' part, the lost child drained from his eyes and he was back to ever-vigilant warrior.

They were not far from his old place. When they reached the door he knocked, but got no response. He knocked again. Nothing. Maybe they were out. He tried his old entrance code, and was surprised when the door clicked open.

At least she hadn't locked him out.

Or maybe she just hadn't gotten around to it yet.

He opened the door and gestured for Amos to go in, "After you," he said with a slight bow of his head. He followed closely behind him, taking a moment to savor the familiar smell of his home: burning jasmine and sage with a hint of iron oxide. Martian dust.

Alex looked around at the tokens of his previous lift. A picture of him and his son when he was just a baby. A hideous crystal figurine his mother-in-law had gifted them. A souvenir of their trip to the ice world Europa. Their wedding photo had been taken down, and now just the metal hanger remained. It was a fitting cold, hard vestige of their now ruined marriage.

Alex turned and was about to tell Amos the story of the blue cow figurine that looked like it had partially melted into the ground, but instead his attention fell on the gun in Amos' hand. He followed its line of sight to the smug, smiling face of Anderson Dawes.


End file.
